I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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