Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
