Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
zippers are such a cool invention
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
