theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
