Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
