I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
