When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
