Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
