I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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