Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
