I wish I could teleport
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
