So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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