Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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