Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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