Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
