The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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