bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
