the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize