So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
