just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
