Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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