i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
