do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
