last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
