Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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