I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
