You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
