I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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