My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
