So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
