Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
