Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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