Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
