my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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