Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
