I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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