I met the friendliest cop last night
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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