Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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