Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
