He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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