Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
