He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
