The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
