Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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