My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He? As in you personified your dick?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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