i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I smell like Dick and happiness
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
