She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize