just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
