That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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