Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
