I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
