I think I died a long time ago.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Couch. On fire.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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