dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
