im about as happy as oj after his trial
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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