Apparently you make a good broom.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
